You know what is wrong with most girls? Oh I don't know, really, maybe just EVERYTHING! Recently I was discussing with my girlfriends (Who don't suck at all thank you because if they did I would lay the smack down.) how an ABSOLUTE HARPY BITCH (VR)had turned my dear friend MW into a pussy of the first degree. This kid used to kick all the major forms of ass, now he hardly even kicks baby ass, or kitten ass for Christ's sake. Then we started discussing all the awful hideous retarded points about normal girls. For instance:
1. YOU ARE MAKING OUR MEN INTO PUSSIES!
Every time one of these fucking bitches dates a man, she leaves him a weak shell of his former self by making him think the way to get girls is to be sensitive. I have news for you: Sensitive guys suck. Sensitive guys make me want to be a lesbian and eat cunt all day. And then beat up a sensitive man. HINT: No girl likes a man who waxes his eyebrows. (A subset of the sensitive man is the metrosexual. Don't even get me started on these in the closet homos. Knowing how to dress isn't attractive to real women who like sex, only sensitive women who like cuddling. WHICH DO YOU PREFER YOU PUSSIES?? Stop wearing perfume and start burping.)
2. YOU ARE SELF CONSCIOUS!
No one cares about how much you weigh. Those five pounds make no difference, unless you loose five pounds of annoying bitchiness. Diets are for idiots who have too much time on their hands. Also: Tans are for losers who want skin cancer, and are not necessary to ever speak about ever. In fact, if you don't have something to say that isn't about your physical being then shut up.
3. SO, IT FOLLOWS THAT YOU ARE SELF ABSORBED!
I do not care what lotion you use or where you bought that shirt or how much it cost. I want to talk about videogames and Hitler, and so do most boys. I do not care what shampoo you are currently using or how soft it makes your hair. Do not ever talk about your period, all girls bleed from their vaginas, you are not special, only ass nasty. For the love of Christ shut up before I ram a spike through your neck like the cow you are.
4. NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO BUY YOU PRESENTS!
Valentines day is a crock of shit. Stop wanting shit on it and complaining if a man forgets. He has more important things on his mind, like sex and being cool. Just because you can take time out of your busy schedule of shopping and dieting to buy him a shitty stuffed bear doesn't mean he is dumb enough to. Besides, you were likely already at the mall.
5. SHOPPING IS AWFUL!
Shopping is horrible. The lines and the fitting rooms and the awful flourescent lights and the lack of places to do drugs in public. Yeesh. Don't even get me started. How could anyone like wasting money on this shit?
6. GIGGLING MAKES ME NAUSEOUS!
For Christ's sake, it isn't flirty, it is only irritating. I want to rip out your juggular.
7. HE ISN'T GOOD IN BED BECAUSE YOU AREN'T TELLING HIM HOW TO BE!
Get over your insecurities and tell it like it lays. Be like "Hey fuckwad, welcome to Clitoris ville, location not where you are licking." Don't just moan like an idiot.
8. DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER, WATCH TV AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, UNLESS IT IS ON SPIKE OR COMEDY CENTRAL!
Soap Operas should make all normal humans projectile vomit.
9. ROMANTIC MOVIES SUCK!
They all have the same plot, and it always sucks. The only good movies involve war, explosions, death, blood, gore, and sex. Lots of sex. Speaking of sex, porn is not degrading to women, porn is hot. Learn it and love it.
10. ALL OF YOU START LIKING PUSSY AT LEAST A LITTLE RIGHT NOW!
Liking pussy AND cock is awesome. That is what makes the world go round. Pussy tastes good, and you should eat it. Also, it is low in fat and carbs. Idiots. (If a guy doesn't want to eat you out, dump him immediately. It is the greatest thing ever. Then come over here and get a little loving, biotch.)
11. LEARN TO HANDLE LIQUOR!
It's all good when you can't stomach liquor, get really tipsy, and then I can take advantage of you. But I draw the line when you start puking. Learn to handle liquor or no one will ever have sex with you, barfomatic.
12. COMPLAINING, 24/7!
Women (also men who have been pussified by women) have this tendency to complain about everything. It is too cold in here, this food tastes bad, my hair hurts. SHUT UP! If a real man ever complained about being cold, James Bond would jump out of a helicoptor and kick his ass two to three times, and then revoke his Man Club membership. Everyone feels cold the same way bitch, you aren't special. Now wrap your mouth around a cock and shut up, we all know it is cold out.
Then on the other hand there are feminists. Women already basically have equal rights, and what we don't have is because of the dumb bitches I just discussed, not men keeping us down. They are too dumb to not give blow jobs for raises. For the love of Mike, put on a bra saggy tits.
For all these reasons I have mentioned and many more, we have created JKLOL University. (Jen Lyn Kelly: Offical Lady-Beaters.) Here, on our lush grounds, we will teach all you bitches and fem-nazis to not be awful harpies. A prospective date for the opening of the University has been set on the first of next year. The grounds will be consecrated by sacrificially burning Veronica Reyes, the leader of the Harpies and an all around idiot. She was once quoted as saying: "Gang members? I didn't know they existed!" Way to make women look bad. Anyways, classes are also being offered to teach men to be awesome in bed, since once the revolution begins, I don't want men to be left behind. Girls will be so cool it will be hard not to turn to lesbianism, so we are going to have to keep you up to date on all the latest and best pleasuring techniques. I am sure you will appreciate. All enrollees will be kept on a 6 month parole to be sure they don't revert back to being lame. Our hard work will not be put to waste. Long live the titty revolution.
(Gratuitous use of the word titty is also recommended.)
